How to Start a Killer EBM Band

The post below is pretty funny. I've sanitized it a bit to take out the profanity; otherwise, it's just how I found it. This should be funny for anyone, regardless if you're familiar with the scene or not.

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For all those who dream of a glamorous career in industrial music, look no further. Through use of mighty psychic powers, I have discovered the secrets to achieving unparamounted success in this enthralling scene. At first I was a bit doubtful myself, but after going over this a few times, I am convinced that these will indeed lead you to electrostardom... the creation of an EBM band.

Before our first step, some of you may wonder, "why an ebm BAND? wouldn't I be fine just as a solo artist?" That's total bull****. Who else is going to pretend to play all the synthesizers and fiddle with all the useless knobs on the expensive gear you've been collecting like a rat over the decades? More is better. Enough said.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, the first essential step of creating an EBM band... before the name... before the sound... before the performances... it is absolutely necessary that you create an awesome band logo. Preferably something based off of a simple shape or medical symbol, but given a few spikes to make it look pointy and aggressive. So spiky and harsh that it pokes your eyes out just looking at it. This is an absolute must for aggrotech. Everyone knows an awesome logo can completely change the way people look at their band. Take my recent AIM conversation for example...

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Zebu909: Hey man, I just saw Psyclon Nine live last week. They rocked.

Wumpfanboy666: Psyclon Nine sucks. I could make better crap with a children's keyboard and a squealing cat.

Zebu909: Well at least their logo is awesome.

Wumpfanboy666: Well yeah, when you put it that way I guess they are pretty bad***.

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There you go. Indisputable proof.

Now for the band name. Everyone knows that German is the international language of evil, so it's a pretty good idea to stick with that, regardless of what your songs end up like. Doch du kannst nicht Deutsch verstehen? No problem? Basically think of something that sounds demonic, militaristic, or medical and make the consonants harder. If it still doesn't sound german enough (or if nobody's accusing you of being a nazi yet), slap "Die" or "Das" in front. Here's a few examples to get you started.

Kommandeath

Dissekt

Die Blutschlag

Deathsturm

Das Menschenkill

Notice how most of them start with "D". This is a very sinister letter, and is associated with sinister things, such as Death, Darkness, Destruction, and David Hasslehoff.

Next step- stage costumes! Buy a bunch of goggles, face respirators, jackboots, and combat vests, and you're set to go! While not a requirement, dyed spiked hair and mohawks are a plus.

Now for gear- Even though you can make most sounds with a few good synths, electronic bands are judged by how many pounds of hardware they have. The longer your gear list is, the better, and the more other bands will revere you.

By now you're almost all set for your first performance. You've got the look, the gear, the logo, and the name. Even though you haven't made anything yet, hordes of rivetheads and ugly goth groupies will send you friend requests on myspace, raving about how hot you look in face paint and posting webcam pics of them writing your band name on their boobs.

But alas, one final, grudging step remains- actually making music. But not to despair! This can be easily solved with minimum effort. Take a simple trance kick. Now clip the [heck] out of it until it's harder than Michael Jackson at a playground, and loop it over and over again. Add some hats and a repetitive offbeat bassline, and some flanged saws playing random disharmonic notes. Add a break or two in for good measure, and finally top it off with sampling recorded from horror, war, and scifi movies, preferably "Hellraiser" and "Full Metal Jacket". If the sample is good enough (usually if it contains references to death and killing) you can get away with playing it for half of the song, greatly reducing the amount of effort needed for the following part- vocals.

We all know you can't sing. Just scream into a microphone and mess it up. If you can still understand the words you're saying, you're probably not distorting it enough.

Although it really doesn't matter what you're saying, lyrical topics should be limited to the following subjects-

Death

Genocide

Suicide

Persecution

Death

Antireligion

War

Tyranny

Death

Write, record, and repeat until you have a full album. If all your songs sound the same, change a few lead notes and use different samples. Nobody will tell the difference.

You've done it! Now that you've made a surefire hit album, quit your dayjob- you're going to spend the rest of your life touring the world and banging groupies.

When you finally get a Side-Line review, it will probably start with "this band doesn't sound much different from other harsh ebm acts", but will continue on to extol your genius and originality.

Congratulations!

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De Landa's book is progressing pretty nicely; hopefully over this three day weekend, I can finish most of it. His current focus is on disease and the food network of cities (he uses scientific metaphors to discuss his points throughout, and I believe he uses molecular biology in this current section, but don't quote me on that). While the idea that Europeans achieved a significant advantage due to their unique and extensive immunities (and proof where they failed to settle/conquer/colonize due to disease), he has brought a rather unique perspective to examining cities. Rather than viewing city as hubs of activity and centers of creation, he contends that cities leech off the countryside in terms of resources and population. For example, he states that, throughout much of its history, London required approximately 5,000 immigrants a year in order to sustain its population b/c urban areas practiced forms of birth control earlier than generally acknowledged and that infant mortality rates were extremely high until well into the 19th century. As a result, it is important to view cities as meshworks of their surroundings rather than as stand alone entities. Cities needed crops from the countryside, resources being mined outside city walls, and a fresh labor supply. As opposed to cities today, which are relatively self-sustaining and can receive food supplies from virtually anywhere in the world, cities until the 19th century were directly intertwined with their surroundings. There are some other interesting tidbits about city walls and the evolution of war machines, but it's a relatively small portion of what he's discussed thus far.

It's pretty good reading, and I'll be interesting to see how this section and the final one turns out. Although this book attempts to position itself in contrast to Diamond's acclaimed text, it retains a heavy reliance on science. The difference is in the application: for Diamond, our surroundings played the most important role in how our societies evolved; for De Landa, the interaction between humans and the environment were, and continue to remain, impossible to predict, so it's ludicrous to claim that there's one main driver for development. In the end, though, both maintain that European dominance is almost entirely reliant upon fortunate historical circumstances and outcomes, with Diamond eliminating almost all human agency and De Landa fighting to make it part of the puzzle.

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B is working all weekend on papers. We're going to eat Mexican tonight and possibly Italian tomorrow with my parents. I'll probably make it to the driving range one night this weekend, read quite a bit, and maybe, just maybe, open a book of poetry.

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Peace,

-j